Why do these turkeys have no legs? Read further down.
Dear Americans and Food Magazine Cover Photographers,
Stop cooking your turkeys as one big bird. Yes they are pretty for the magazine covers, and it looks great on the table, but please... cut the thing up already. It fits better in your oven and its easier to tell when its done, those legs need longer to cook than those breasts, that's why we cut off the legs and take out the backbone, come on now... who eats the backbone? Which means we get to make a nice roasted turkey stock while the rest of you whole bird cookers (suckers) use canned chicken broth. And stop this brining business already. Brining is messy, and a pain in the butt, really now, who has food grade five gallon buckets handy with fridge space galore? And stop this basting business. There is no reason to baste the bird every hour, it is pointless.
Here is how you cook a Thanksgiving turkey fellow Americans. Follow these simple six steps and you will have happier Thanksgivings forevermore... and a much more satifying life.
1. Cut out the back bone. Cut off the legs.
2. Make an herb paste with fresh rosemary, thyme, sage, and canola oil in a food processor.
3. Using Morton's Kosher Salt (dear morton's we love your salt, we will be happy to be sponsored for all of our dedication and hard work spreading your good name) rub some salt under the breast skin and under the skin of the legs, really get in there, then sprinkle with pepper, then rub your herb paste under the skin. Then sprinkle the outside with salt, pepper, and rub more herbs.
(how much salt? Well for chicken we use 3/4 teaspoon per pound of chicken, but if you do that much salt for a turkey it will burn the flesh of the turkey, so about 1/3 to 1/2 teaspoon of salt per pound)
4. Put the turkey in your fridge for 48 hours.
5. Cook it, we like 300 with a convection fan. Pull the breast from the oven when the it registers 158 degrees. Let it rest. Let the legs keep cooking. They are nearly impossible to overcook. Pull them five minutes before you want to eat.
6. Celebrate your success by mailing $100 to 213 South 9th Ave, Walla Walla WA 99362